Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
