I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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