It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
