she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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