I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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