now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Randomize
