Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
