you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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