Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
