I wish I could punch you in the face.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
