I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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