my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
