if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
