apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
