i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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