i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
