weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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