can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
