It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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