It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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