If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
