hotel room ftw
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
