if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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