i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
