my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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