Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Randomize
