On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
