I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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