I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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