All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
