I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
