I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
