i jhust puked up my retainher.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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