JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
