My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
