FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
