You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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