in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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