tell your sister to shave her snatch
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
