Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
