One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
