I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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