the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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