i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
