Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
