'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
