i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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