Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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