I'm jealous of your bromance
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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