It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
