but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
