True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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